It’s not very often that we have to physically write the date on anything anymore. Last week (last week of 2020) I needed to, and I wrote March …. and paused… what was the date?? I feel like that sums up 2020…. but that would make a lame blog so here is what 2020 did both TO me and FOR me.
“Who I am” only means something for a few fleeting minutes
At the very core, my values remain mostly static, but the more I learn and more specifically, unlearn, the core of me is getting honed, pushed, pulled, taken apart and put back together. The process is a horror show of glory as I reached new depths of humility and compassion while simultaneously unveiling deeper layers of darkness of humanity AND within me. I was stripped of so many of the mantras I proudly poured out, completely ignorant of my own privilege. I have found great solace in the understanding that this constant process has me evolving into what I hope is a measure of a human that other humans enjoy sharing their precious time and the planets resources with.
Even If I’m Right, I’m Still Wrong (unless you’re displaying racism… then you’re wrong)
This discovery was probably the most impactful and inspiring to redesigning of my approach to having healthy conversations with people even when our views are so radically different. The intense polarized social climate that arose in 2020 with the proverbial lid coming off Pandora’s Box showing the true meaning of racism & privilege, depth of political corruption, actual power of capitalism…. to say IT IS A LOT is an understatement. The challenging aspect of that being that all of us aren’t going to always stand on the same side of a conversation and that it’s takes a lot of grace, patience and practice to know when and how to end a conversation that isn’t going any where. Moreover? The grace and strength of ending a relationship that has been exposed as being inauthentic and shouldn’t be going anywhere.
It’s ok if things just suck sometimes
As a reformed silver lining seeker, this year was unprecedented for learning that sometimes things just suck. PERIOD. More importantly, looking for a positive in a down right crappy situation removes validation of very valid feelings. This discovery opened up a whole new reality of what it means to hold and be held in safe space when an emotional pounding is in progress and recognizing the importance of navigating the cascade of feelings.
In the end, 2020 was one of liberation for me. Freeing myself of so many limiting beliefs, shifting my mindset to one that can only really been described as “no f**ks given”, yet in the same mouthful, I care so painfully much more passionately than I was ever able to in my previous reality. The difference now is I can deeply care without the expectations that I once attached to actions, experiences, relationships, and life in general.